The next bend in the steep mountain road was racing towards me at breakneck speed and all I could think was "if I close my eyes and let go of the steering wheel, it will all be over in a flash....."
It was so tempting. My fingers began to publish their stranglehold grip on the wheel and straight through swollen, tear sodden eyes, I could just see the river snaking its way far, far below me at the bottom of the pass. All I could think was "oh God, please let me die! I can't do this anymore! Life is just too hard and I can't keep on struggling. I have never felt so alone."
However, some unseen force kept my hands on the steering wheel and I pulled off the road in a shower of dust and gravel, stalling the motor as I collapsed in a shuddering heap over the steering wheel, sobbing and screaming at the injustice of life. Why had I ever been born if I had to go straight through so much pain and heartache!
I was convinced I was losing my mind. Clear reasoning was a skill that I had somehow lost along the way. My life seemed to drag on in an endless round of unanswered questions, unfulfilled dreams and a blaze of anger.....mostly at myself for being (in my opinion) such a weak and selfish human specimen.
Well, too late to go back now. The only way to go is - forward. So where exactly was send I wondered? I had indeed no idea where I was. I had been driving for hours, I was utterly exhausted from crying, the petrol gauge was frighteningly low and the sun was beginning to set. The scorched African scenery gave no clue as to how far the next town might be. I had no idea which direction I had been driving and didn't indeed care. At some point I had turned off the main road and headed inland, with no singular destination in mind.
That's when it dawned on me that I had rushed out of the house with no money, just an overnight bag hastily stuffed with a few random items of clothing. It hit me then that I was in serious in trouble. No one knew where I was, what time I had left, or what direction I had taken. I had indeed screwed up big time!
What a rash foolish thing I had done. Why did I allow my emotions to swamp me and make me act in such an irrational way? I used to be such a level-headed person. At what point had my life taken such a turn into utter despair? I had simply got in the car and started driving hell for leather away from home, like a wild animal intent only on escaping.
It had been construction up for months and sooner or later the pressure valve had to blow. If only I could have talked to someone, anyone, who might have understood my feelings. I simply wanted to be free. Free to make my own decisions, live my own way, realise my dreams, without constantly being told what to do, or that I was crazy to expect more from life.
It was commonly acceptable that once I married that I should simply aspire to at least fifty years of servitude as an unpaid servant, several kids in quick succession, never-ending housework and maybe a nice little secretarial job, just to help with the household expenses you know! No darn way, not me!
I wanted to live! I needed to feel life in all its richness. I desperately wanted to meet provocative population and travel to provocative far-off places. I intended to fill my life with unexpected adventures, get out there and find out just who I was and what I wanted from life, not what other population said I should expect.
I made a decision there and then on that lonely, winding road, that from that moment on I would take control of my life and seek my destiny in my own way. I realised that it wouldn't happen overnight, but it would happen...if only I could get myself out of the immediate mess I was in.
Well, the angels were absolutely looking after me that night. I continued driving along that lonely deserted road simply because I didn't know what else to do and with the last dregs of petrol in the tank, I came across a remote one-horse town that I'd never heard of. I stopped at the one and only light that was shining - The Royal Hotel.
Stumbling inside, still crying and shaking, I managed to illustrate to the receptionist what had happened. She was an angel for sure. She took control, found me an empty room to lie down in, got me a hot sweet cup of tea and told me to rest while she went off to start development phone calls.
To this day I don't know what her name was, or how she managed to search my husband, but she did.
That feel changed me for ever and although my life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs since then, I know without a doubt that something higher than me was watching out for me that night. It seems that we often have to reach a point so low that we just can't see the way send before we will surrender control and simply allow our lives to be divinely guided.
As my life has unfolded I have come to realise that all of the experiences that I have had, good and not so good, were opportunities for growth and learning.
These days I stay open to synchronicity, trusting the process of my life, knowing my intuition guides me. I believe that I am all the time exactly where I need to be at any given time, with exactly the right people, going straight through exactly the feel that I need to shift to the next level.
It's a fact that feel does indeed bring wisdom....if you are open to it!
All is perfect. And so it is.
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